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Moira

Shot, But Too Stubborn to Fall Down

My mom had an endless supply of pithy one-liners to describe people’s behaviours and quirks. “She’s been shot, but she’s too stubborn to fall down” is one of those lines that I’ve been reminded of multiple times lately. It refers to someone who keeps on working when they should be restoring themselves, to someone whose doggedness is no longer leading to productivity or effectiveness. Remind you of anyone you know?

Several events this week made me think of that line from my mom:

  1. Coaching sessions with several C-suite executives / business owners who began crying within seconds of the start of our calls. (Who knew that, “How are you?” could be such an evocative question?!)
  2. Therapy sessions with injured health care workers, all of whom suffered avoidable injuries by ignoring low-level pain signals in order to finish up a shift
  3. Catching sight of my own bedraggled self in the mirror, with my shirt on backwards and inside-out, just minutes after telling a colleague that I was hale and hearty

Seven months ago, a pandemic arrived, and we all hit the ground, running. We rallied everything we had to stock up, safeguard our families and employees and customers, keep our income streams going or replace work that was lost. That was all fine and good, at least for a time. Most human beings have the capacity to deal with shocking and severe stressors, and to emerge, intact and even stronger, on the other side.

But the stressors that can put the lie to that general truth are the ones that are chronic and unremitting, with no natural breaks or periods of reprieveChronic stress without recovery is what leads to emotions that won’t stay contained, to bodies that break down, to mental processes that grow sluggish and inflexible.

So here’s my best advice to you: Fall down, dammit. Fall down, and stay there for a while. Do it voluntarily, pre-emptively, proactively, before your mind and/or your body remove all choice from you. Step away from the desk; put down the tools; turn off the phone and computer.

While you’re down, think about what you need to truly restore yourself. Depending on how long it’s been since you were shot but too stubborn to attend to yourself, it might take a while to figure that out. But it will come to you, eventually. The vacuous drooling stage of recovery WILL end, and some answers will emerge. The trick is to make yourself stay down until you can tune in to those things that are calling to you from the strongest, healthiest part of yourself – that impulse to move your body, that yearning to pull out some long-neglected hobby, that calling to lean into beauty and connection. It’s all there, my friend; it’s been there all along. You just didn’t know how vital it was to attend to it. But now you do.

Article originally published on LinkedIn Oct. 16, 2020.

Are you a leader with ADHD? I’ll be quick.

Did you know that people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are more likely to be demigods than those of us without? It’s true – you can read all about it in one of the best series of books ever written for young people: Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

Know what else is true? The business environment is one that often attracts and rewards those people who, as kids, spent more time in the principal’s office than in the classroom. The very qualities that earned the exasperated ire of teachers – the high energy levels, the tendency to hyper-focus, the zanily divergent thought processes — are the same qualities that can contribute to great entrepreneurial success.

Being a business owner or leader with ADHD still has its challenges, though. Among those challenges?

  • Keeping stuff organized.
  • Figuring out how much time to allot to tasks.
  • Alternating attention.
  • Being patient with co-workers who are more linear (okay: plodding, even) in their approach to things.
  • Staying the course.
  • Noticing the subtle interpersonal cues that come your way, and discerning which ones to act on.
  • Putting up with repeated digs involving the word “Squirrel!”

Neuropsychologists call these skills ‘Executive Functions’. These abilities don’t reside in the KNOWING HOW TO sections of the brain — the parts responsible for knowing how to walk, or talk, or do math, for example. Instead, these skills lie more within the realm of the KNOWING WHEN TO, and are largely housed in the prefrontal lobes of the cerebrum.

In terms of its origin and its impact, therefore, ADHD is a poorly named disorder. It’s not so much a problem of attention as it is a problem of executive functions. (Readers with ADHD, this is where you can demonstrate your superior faculties for divergent thinking: Figure out a better acronym. Try to work in the letters for such things as Time Management, Organizational Skills, and Demigod Powers. Then come back and finish up this article.)

To maximize your effectiveness as a leader with ADHD, you’d be well-advised to commit to a few things.

  1. HIRING second- and third- and fourth-in-command types who are exceptional with respect to those executive functions you lack,
  2. DELEGATING to them whenever possible,
  3. ACTING ON the feedback of colleagues and family members when they tell you what they need you to start or stop doing, and
  4. SUBMITTING (yes, submitting) to a certain amount of disciplined routine, as chafing as that might feel.

I know that these habits are not exciting in the least, not sexy at all – unless, that is, you are enthralled by the notion of having your brilliant ideas actually come to fruition in the marketplace. Or unless you long to have people think of you with less exasperation and more admiration or appreciation. If so, then you should be embracing those habits with all the fervour of a tomcat on date night.

If you need more ideas for succeeding as a leader with ADHD, or help in persisting with new habits, consider hiring an executive coach with expertise in this area. Together, you will co-create an action plan that includes putting in place all the guardrails you need to stay in your lane. Then all that remains will be for you to … Release the Kraken!

Amazing things can happen when you clean off your desk.

XY Podcast featuring Dr. Moira Somers

Here is an engaging and timely interview with Clayton Daniel of XY Adviser on how advisers can better help clients with mental health problems. We also proposed some ideas for how to create more cross-pollination of ideas between our mutual professions.

Families, Money and the Tincture of Tenderness

What can all of us stand to have a little more of right now? A little more tenderness, please.

A few months ago, I put out an article on my Top 10 list of Financial Skills needed for modern living. Among them was #7: Have respectful and productive conversations about money. Today I’d like to amend that recommendation, just slightly, in light of the financial stress being faced by hundreds of thousands of families: Have respectful and productive and TENDER conversations about money.

My original recommendation was meant to encompass everything from talks about co-mingling of finances to what constitutes “reasonable” spending to how much support to offer adult children. Important skill, indeed. Without that skill, assumptions run rampant, and the ability of the family to prosper relationally AND financially is compromised.

Now, more than ever, money conversations do need to be happening within our families. Change demands accommodation. Formerly wise decisions may well need to be discarded and remade in light of new realities. But we all need to dial back on the … shall we say… earnestness of those money talks right about now.

What spurs me to write this article are the dozens of requests for media interviews filling up my email inbox every week. It’s clear that, around the globe, families are reeling from the effects of direct and indirect financial stress. Even if current earnings are unaffected in a given household, indirect financial stress enters via the empathy and worry people have for laid-off loved ones and co-workers and complete strangers; it comes from the constant wondering about whether or when it might be that household’s own turn to experience financial hardship.

And in families where earnings are reduced and/or debts are mounting, the effects of financial stress are often more immediate and observable: disorientation and grief stemming from economically-mandated changes in routine; fretfulness over dwindling cash reserves, foodstuffs, and the other commodities necessary to keep a family afloat; sleeplessness; an inability to settle oneself, both physically and emotionally.

The end result of this financial stress is often an increase in conflict. With everyone feeling a little more ragged and tense than usual, it is all too easy to let loose with harsh pronouncements and critical commentaries. Researchers have been telling us for some time that marital conflicts about money have the potential to be especially damaging. Financial disagreements are associated with nastier fighting techniques and poorer relational outcomes. That’s why the tincture of tenderness is essential today.

How can we set ourselves up to have respectful and productive and tender money conversations? Here are a few ideas to get you started.

  1. Set aside a specific time to deal with a given financial issue. I’m usually a big fan of spontaneity, but not for money conversations between depleted, stressed-out people.
  2. Mutually decide ahead of time what should be on the agenda. Keep that agenda short and sweet — shorter than you think it should be, and sweeter than you might be feeling. Better to have several short and successful meetings than one mondo discussion that risks leaving everyone raw and alienated.
  3. Make a point of truly settling yourself, emotionally and physically, before starting the discussion. Don’t just distract or numb out; instead, really give yourself what you need to get into a calm space. Listen to or make music. Exercise. Read or listen to something that reminds you of what matters in family life, and tap into the spirit of love and compassion (or lightheartedness and hilarity!) that such material revives in you.

Across cultures and classes, humans tend to reserve their best levels of self-control and politeness for people outside their home. The people closest to us get the leftovers. These days, that might not be so pretty! But with a little bit of foresight and intentionality, and a commitment to staying respectful, productive, and tender, we can help ensure that financial stress does not undo our most important ties.

There are lots of great resources to help individuals and families solve money dilemmas. Here are two of my current favourites:

The Ellevest newsletter – Sallie Krawchuk and her team keep it real and keep it relevant.

Kelley Keehn’s Talk Money to Me. A soup-to-nuts treatment of personal finance.

Sending you all a big bottle of the tincture of tenderness.

Advising Anxious, Angry or AWOL Clients

Now, more than ever, the personal side of advising matters.
Are you ready to up your game?

Live Webinar with Financial Psychologist Dr. Moira Somers on
Advising Anxious, Angry or AWOL Clients



Here’s what my work has taught me: Nothing draws the emotion out of people faster than money. This is true even at the best of times. And now is not the best of times.

It is, however, a superb time for financial advisors to demonstrate exceptional value to their clients, to those people who have entrusted them with so much.

In this Webinar with the author of Advice that Sticks: How to Give Financial Advice that People Will Follow, you will learn practical, evidence-based strategies for:

  • Talking to upset clients so that they will settle faster and more completely
  • Figuring out your client’s primary coping style
  • Helping to prevent regrettable decisions
  • Contributing to client well-being
  • Working with your own heightened emotions
Thursday, April 2nd at 2-3pm CT
Click here to join us on April 2nd

Top 10 Financial Skills Needed for 21st Century Well-being

What families (including yours) need to know                                                             

There have been a lot of  transitions in my household over the past year, with more yet to come. Some of these Big Life Events have been long anticipated and much celebrated; others have simply arrived out of the blue, and have ushered in as much joy as a bunion.

One thing these events have had in common? They’ve all had financial implications – not just for money management (that’s been the relatively easy part, actually), but for expectation management between and across the generations.

While navigating these expectations, I pulled out a  list I created some time ago for the advisers and families I consult to. The list was my take on the most important financial skills needed for modern families. It was a helpful reminder to stay on top of what my own family needs to know and do. It was also an occasion to update it, in light of such things as growing rates of mental health problems and dementia, the endless ingenuity of fraudsters and scam artists, and the travails of our planet.  Here is my Top 10 list of 21stCentury Financial Skills:

    1. Develop marketable skills

    2. Earn sufficiently

    3. Save regularly

    4. Spend wisely

    5. Handle credit

    6. Invest, earn, give and purchase sustainably

    7. Have respectful and productive money conversations

    8. Safeguard your dependents and your assets

    9. Use money to help people and causes

    10. Arrange for wealth transfer

Give the list even the quickest of once-overs, and you’ll see that these items are not simply fact-based ones. If you’re a financial adviser or a financial literacy teacher, you can’t just stick these items in a newsletter or exam and then rest assured that the readers will be equipped to make good decisions forevermore. If you’re a parent, you can’t just give Lecture #438 and assume the kids have learned what they need. That’s because every single one of these life skills needs to be paired with emotional intelligence in order to come to life. For example:

Earning adequately requires self-respect and good reality testing;

Spending wisely requires impulse control and emotional self-awareness;

Having good money conversations requires empathy and courage of conviction; and

Using money to help others requires social consciousness and healthy boundaries.

Fortunately, family life is one of the most natural places to bring together emotional intelligence and money management skills. Any time we open up about the financial gaffs we’ve made, or the values we hold deeply, or what helps or hinders our progress towards our goals, we’re cultivating a skillset that is crucial for modern life.

Whether you’re working with other people’s families or are neck-deep in the delights of your own, it’s helpful to keep in mind the developmental nature of these skills. The items on my list are the task of a lifetime. They are not even remotely done with by the time a child leaves home; indeed, they take us to the end of our days.

So take heart: Everyone can get better at this stuff! Things like empathy, communication, and self-regulation can improve with effort and (often, but not always) with age. And there are always skilled professionals – therapists; accountants; clergy; lawyers; financial planners– who can help us when we slip up, get stuck, or lose the path. The more such people we have in our network, the better equipped we are to help others and ourselves.

One of the aphorisms of the Financial Transitionist® Institute is, When life changes, money changes; and when money changes, life changes. My household’s recent transition events have given me a renewed appreciation of this proverb. As we enter a new decade, I wish you, your family, and the families you serve the same thing I wish for my own: May you navigate life’s changes with skill and grace and tenderness…and a whole lot of laughter.

Interested in learning more about the various stages of money maturity? I’ve found no better book than Joline Godfrey’s Raising Financially Fit Kids.

 

Got clients or workers in distress? Got people who are distressing you? You’re in luck!

When it comes to accessing mental health treatment, timing can be everything… AND NOW’S THE TIME! (But not for the reasons you might think.)

Nothing says “Time for Therapy” more than the last few months of the year. You can likely guess some of the more common reasons why that’s so. Here in the northern hemisphere, for example, when the days grow shorter and the skies get gloomy, moods can darken, too. All around the globe, work stress mounts as people scramble to finish major projects before year end. And then, of course, there’s all that extra time spent in the warm prickly embrace of extended family. (That’s why my favourite seasonal game is Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family Bingo. You only win if your family is crazy, and I always win.)

But one of the major benefits of getting therapy at this time of year has to do with paying for treatment. Most private benefits plans run on the basis of a calendar year. Any funding that hasn’t been used by December 31, 2019 simply vanishes. On January 1, 2020, employees with benefits packages have access to a new pool of funds that will have to see them through the next 12 months.

By booking a series of therapy appointments between November of one year and February or March of the next, your employees or clients may be able to access two years’ worth of benefits in a short period of time. Timing wise, that’s the equivalent of doubling the number of sessions they’re eligible for. (A typical benefits package will cover 2 to 3 sessions for 2019 and 2 or 3 for 2020. These can all be used in a period of a few months.)

Admittedly, that still falls short of the 8 to 10 sessions typically required to treat depression and anxiety; nevertheless, a lot of good work can be done in a compressed period of time with a practitioner who is (a) skilled in short-term treatment approaches and (b) aware of the client’s funding limitations. If the therapy has been proving useful, many people then find ways to self-fund additional sessions. (An encouraging word from family, friends or financial advisors can help them feel confident of their ability to absorb such costs, especially when considered against the costs of NOT getting help.)

Some of the readers of this article are in positions of power within private industry, insurance companies, and Human Resources departments, and it’s to them that I address this paragraph. Most employee benefits packages are woefully inadequate when it comes to coverage for serious mental health concerns (e.g. suicidality, addictions, etc.).Typical packages that I see in Canada provide only $350 to $450 of psychological treatment per calendar year. That amount hasn’t changed appreciably in 25 years. Meanwhile, what is the fastest growing cause of short-term and long-term vocational disability? You guessed it: mental health issues. Disability insurance companies should be throwing money into psychological health care benefits packages if they’re serious about reducing longterm costs, and HR departments should be demanding much more mental health coverage from their benefits providers. If you’ve got the power to influence such matters, please do. This article might give you some ideas.

For the rest of you, let me just encourage you to be champions of mental well-being. Take care of your own mental health and happiness. Look into taking a mental health first aid course so you can sit more compassionately with people in distress. Consider giving time and money to community organizations that are on the front lines of service delivery.

Eggnog plus year-end reports plus psychotherapy. It’s a winning combination. You might want to suggest it at your next family gathering.

Got clients or workers in distress? Got people who are distressing you? You’re in luck!

When it comes to accessing mental health treatment, timing can be everything… AND NOW’S THE TIME! (But not for the reasons you might think.)

Nothing says “Time for Therapy” more than the last few months of the year. You can likely guess some of the more common reasons why that’s so. Here in the northern hemisphere, for example, when the days grow shorter and the skies get gloomy, moods can darken, too. All around the globe, work stress mounts as people scramble to finish major projects before year end. And then, of course, there’s all that extra time spent in the warm prickly embrace of extended family. (That’s why my favourite seasonal game is Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family Bingo. You only win if your family is crazy, and I always win.)

But one of the major benefits of getting therapy at this time of year has to do with paying for treatment. Most private benefits plans run on the basis of a calendar year. Any funding that hasn’t been used by December 31, 2019 simply vanishes. On January 1, 2020, employees with benefits packages have access to a new pool of funds that will have to see them through the next 12 months.

By booking a series of therapy appointments between November of one year and February or March of the next, your employees or clients may be able to access two years’ worth of benefits in a short period of time. Timing wise, that’s the equivalent of doubling the number of sessions they’re eligible for. (A typical benefits package will cover 2 to 3 sessions for 2019 and 2 or 3 for 2020. These can all be used in a period of a few months.)

Admittedly, that still falls short of the 8 to 10 sessions typically required to treat depression and anxiety; nevertheless, a lot of good work can be done in a compressed period of time with a practitioner who is (a) skilled in short-term treatment approaches and (b) aware of the client’s funding limitations. If the therapy has been proving useful, many people then find ways to self-fund additional sessions. (An encouraging word from family, friends or financial advisors can help them feel confident of their ability to absorb such costs, especially when considered against the costs of NOT getting help.)

Some of the readers of this article are in positions of power within private industry, insurance companies, and Human Resources departments, and it’s to them that I address this paragraph. Most employee benefits packages are woefully inadequate when it comes to coverage for serious mental health concerns (e.g. suicidality, addictions, etc.).Typical packages that I see in Canada provide only $350 to $450 of psychological treatment per calendar year. That amount hasn’t changed appreciably in 25 years. Meanwhile, what is the fastest growing cause of short-term and long-term vocational disability? You guessed it: mental health issues. Disability insurance companies should be throwing money into psychological health care benefits packages if they’re serious about reducing longterm costs, and HR departments should be demanding much more mental health coverage from their benefits providers. If you’ve got the power to influence such matters, please do. This article might give you some ideas.

For the rest of you, let me just encourage you to be champions of mental well-being. Take care of your own mental health and happiness. Look into taking a mental health first aid course so you can sit more compassionately with people in distress. Consider giving time and money to community organizations that are on the front lines of service delivery.

Eggnog plus year-end reports plus psychotherapy. It’s a winning combination. You might want to suggest it at your next family gathering.